Where's My Brain?

I used to be a smart person. Really. I was valedictorian of my junior high. My mom will vouch that I was recruited by MIT for college. The words "some assembly required" do not intimidate me in the least, even when they're written in Chinese.

Yet somehow I've turned into a complete idiot. Apparently my brain has either somehow shrunk in size or removed from my head entirely.

Case in point: Yesterday I went grocery shopping at both Costco and HEB. When I got home I quickly unloaded all the Costco groceries because there were frozen items and I didn't want the tempura shrimp to thaw. See? I'm smart like that.

But today I was making dinner for my friend Amy when I realized I couldn't find the linguine. And then it dawned on me -- I'd left the HEB groceries in the back of the van. I quickly tried to remember what I'd bought as I walked out to the garage. Carrots? They'd be safe. Dried pasta? No problem. But when I looked into the trunk of my minivan I discovered a bag containing two containers of Contadina Light Alfredo Sauce, which I also needed for the recipe I was making. At $3.79 apiece, I'd just wasted nearly 8 bucks.

(Kevin, you can stop shaking your head now. I can feel your contempt from the other room. Seriously -- stop it.)

So now I have to waste more time and gas to drive to HEB and buy more Alfredo sauce. Oh, and don't think I wondered whether the Alfredo sauce would still be viable. What was the temperature last night? Isn't cheese pasteurized? Refrigeration is overrated, right? But in the end I decided not to risk poisoning my friend. I'm sure Amy is breathing a sigh of relief this very second.

There are many, many more examples of my brainlessness, but I'm more interesting in the WHY of it all. And I've come to the conclusion that it's all my kids' fault. I firmly believe that my IQ dropped 10 points with the birth of each child. If I'd had any more kids, I would have become the Forrest Gump of San Antonio. Only dumber.

This is the real reason we're not having any more children. My OB/GYN warned me about my boggy uterus, but I think in my idiocy I must have misunderstood her. Yes, now that I think about it (which is difficult when you're brain has been replaced with oatmeal), she must have warned me about my boggy brain. I think the official Latin term is Cranium Gonemissingum. Or something like that.

So if anyone discovers a cure for this horrible medical condition, can you let me know? I'll be wandering the aisles of HEB trying to remember what I was supposed to buy.

Update: I drove to school with the plan to give Amy her meal during carpool. As I pulled into the carpool lane, I realized that I'd left the meal at home in my refrigerator. You can stop laughing anytime.

Update #2: Amy just called me and asked, "Was there supposed to be pasta?" Yup, I forgot to put the linguine in the bag of goodies.

I so want this day to end.